That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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