If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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