17 year olds will be the death of me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
