Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
