how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
