Ambien. No doubt about it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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