Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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