My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
