Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
