He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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