hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
