At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
