Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
