I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
