I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
