You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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