take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
