Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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