All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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