my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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