just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
