Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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