An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
