I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
