At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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