I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
