here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
