He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
