Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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