He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
