He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
