she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
