I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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