What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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