Will you blow on my dice?
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
