I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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