I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
