There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
