Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
