I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
