My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
