Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think your dad took our porno
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
