Your face is a jimmy john
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
