Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
