Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
