i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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