I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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