she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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