When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
