On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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