just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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