wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
