I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
