she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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