I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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